you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Randomize