Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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