I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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