In the future we'll all be gay
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
