I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
