I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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