I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
