I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
