dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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