Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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