Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Randomize
