Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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