They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
