He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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