you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
