my phone needs a breathalizer
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
