I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
