This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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