I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
