we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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