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he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
you will always have a special place in my vag
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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