I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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