Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You were trust falling into bushes
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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