she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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