I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
