The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
