i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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