I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Welp...herpes.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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