Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
