I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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