I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
