After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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