I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
