He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
