Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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