remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
