you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
