How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
