Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
