do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Randomize
