this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
