I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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