He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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