I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
