This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
