Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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