She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
