Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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