oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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