i already hear my dad disowning me
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
