3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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