I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
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