Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
