Got a toothbrush?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
