Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
