Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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