It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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